Was the tunnel for Elvis?
Fig.1: Elvis harassed by frenzied German fans, some of which were probably Communist plants whose mission was to make him lose his cool.
Despite the lack of physical or conclusive documentary evidence, psycho-archaeologically speaking the presence of the secret underground tunnel is not in doubt. But what was it really for? Why was it built? Who used it, how, and when? The logical conclusion is that the tunnel was for Elvis.
Fig. 2: While in Germany, Elvis drove a white BMW convertible. "This baby will outrun any Commie missile the Russkies try to throw at me!" Elvis observed.
The reasoning is as follows:
— Elvis was stationed in Germany at the time
— As a valuable national propaganda asset (see *1 below), Elvis was considered important enough to protect from harassment by frenzied local fans (fig.1)
— The size of the tunnel was big enough that Elvis’ white BMW convertible could drive comfortably through it, even if he was inebriated and swerving a little bit (see fig. 2 and 3)
— The US military dug lots of tunnels.
— Therefore we can conclude that the tunnel was built for Elvis, and that the many reputed “Elvis tunneln” in other parts of former West Germany are not myth, but psychedelically-enhanced psycho-archaeological fact.
— The question of whether or not Elvis actually used this particular tunnel will have to await further evidence. We have prepared a seance with a really cool lady we know in Berkeley so we can make contact with Elvis' spirit and ask him. We’ll also ask my late mom where the hell she put the safe-deposit box key.
Fig. 3: The secret tunnel. Suspiciously and conveniently almost precisely the width necessary for Elvis' BMW (but not nearly wide enough for a gold Cadillac!)
— Recently, Elvis’ secret underground mansion, known as “Gnadeland NATO,” has been excavated deep inside a mountain in former West Germany (fig 4). It has 18 bedrooms, 3 underground swimming pools, a bowling alley, a Cinerama movie theatre, five kitchens, 6 dining rooms, a gym, and a 10-car garage. In addition it featured state-of-the-art air and water recirculation and purification systems, as well as food supplies for three years, and could reportedly withstand a 13-megaton nuclear blast. Among the fulltime personnel was a volunteer harem of 30 young women whose job it would be to help repopulate the earth with Elvis’ offspring in the event of the nuclear annihilation of the rest of humanity. Thankfully they and Elvis were spared this ordeal.
Fig. 4: Floor plan of “Gnadeland NATO," Elvis' secret underground Cold War mansion deep within a mountain in West Germany.